Tonight I viewed the Ultimate Televisual Evil.
Red Dwarf USA.
My word, it's appalling. It's like they took Red Dwarf, extracted every last trace of funny they could find, and put it back on air. Which is an achievement, because they stole 95% of the dialogue from the original show - and those lines ROCKED at first. But the actors in Red Dwarf USA manage to deliver them with zero timing, zero skill, and zero credibility, and they're just not funny.
Now, in the pilot with Terry Farrell, Terry does an amazing job rescuing lame lines and shonky characterisation with consummate skill. And she looks gorgeous as the Cat. But she alone cannot resurrect this stinker - nor can the entertaining Robert Llewellyn, who plays Kryten again and plays him well - but all the jokes they stole from the original series we've heard before, and his few new lines are lame, lame, lame.
Red Dwarf USA is the most singularly awful television show I have ever seen in my life. Not even in the "so bad it's good" category, just the "so bad it may ruin the real Red Dwarf for me too". There are four original jokes in the entire first pilot (the one with the male Cat, who sucks too). One of them is good. One of them is semi-good. The other two are lame, and in the recap for the "this is Red Dwarf for Dummies" thing they show an entire boring scene just so they can rehash one of their really lame jokes.
For Red Dwarf fans, who are probably the only ones still reading at this point, an example.
Remember this scene?
Lister: Cat? [The Cat grunts.] Did you ever see the Flintstones?
Cat: Sure!
Lister: Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe it's 'cos we've bin in deep space too long but every time I see that Sherwood body it drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: I think in all probability Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
Lister: That's good. I thought I was going strange.
Cat: She's incredible.
Lister: What d'ya think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? I'd go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: Your right we're nuts this is an insane conversation!
Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it!
This whole conversation was delivered wonderfully by Danny John-Jules and Craig Charles, and had us laughing very hard. In Red Dwarf USA, this conversation was similar in terms of the bare words spoken, but the timing was awful, it was between Lister and Rimmer, and it just wasn't even vaguely funny.
Please, American TV Producers, listen to me.
1) If the British made it funny, that doesn't mean you can make it better. If you want more Red Dwarf, give Grant Naylor, Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge (for my preference) lots and lots and lots of money until they agree to do something good.
2) If you must try and do something that's already been done better than you'll ever manage, hire more than one person who can act. If they'd all been of Terry Farrell's calibre, it might actually have worked.
3) Again, if you must, keep the properties of the original's coolness. Do not make Lister tall, clean-cut and buffish. He loses his cred.
4) Smoke less crack. It will help.
5) You suck. You suck a lot.
6) There is no number six.
I feel vaguely purged, at least, now. This post is dedicated to Julie, who was drawn to my tales of Red Dwarf USA like a sightseer to a really gruesome car crash.
Red Dwarf USA.
My word, it's appalling. It's like they took Red Dwarf, extracted every last trace of funny they could find, and put it back on air. Which is an achievement, because they stole 95% of the dialogue from the original show - and those lines ROCKED at first. But the actors in Red Dwarf USA manage to deliver them with zero timing, zero skill, and zero credibility, and they're just not funny.
Now, in the pilot with Terry Farrell, Terry does an amazing job rescuing lame lines and shonky characterisation with consummate skill. And she looks gorgeous as the Cat. But she alone cannot resurrect this stinker - nor can the entertaining Robert Llewellyn, who plays Kryten again and plays him well - but all the jokes they stole from the original series we've heard before, and his few new lines are lame, lame, lame.
Red Dwarf USA is the most singularly awful television show I have ever seen in my life. Not even in the "so bad it's good" category, just the "so bad it may ruin the real Red Dwarf for me too". There are four original jokes in the entire first pilot (the one with the male Cat, who sucks too). One of them is good. One of them is semi-good. The other two are lame, and in the recap for the "this is Red Dwarf for Dummies" thing they show an entire boring scene just so they can rehash one of their really lame jokes.
For Red Dwarf fans, who are probably the only ones still reading at this point, an example.
Remember this scene?
Lister: Cat? [The Cat grunts.] Did you ever see the Flintstones?
Cat: Sure!
Lister: Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe it's 'cos we've bin in deep space too long but every time I see that Sherwood body it drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: I think in all probability Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
Lister: That's good. I thought I was going strange.
Cat: She's incredible.
Lister: What d'ya think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? I'd go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: Your right we're nuts this is an insane conversation!
Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it!
This whole conversation was delivered wonderfully by Danny John-Jules and Craig Charles, and had us laughing very hard. In Red Dwarf USA, this conversation was similar in terms of the bare words spoken, but the timing was awful, it was between Lister and Rimmer, and it just wasn't even vaguely funny.
Please, American TV Producers, listen to me.
1) If the British made it funny, that doesn't mean you can make it better. If you want more Red Dwarf, give Grant Naylor, Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge (for my preference) lots and lots and lots of money until they agree to do something good.
2) If you must try and do something that's already been done better than you'll ever manage, hire more than one person who can act. If they'd all been of Terry Farrell's calibre, it might actually have worked.
3) Again, if you must, keep the properties of the original's coolness. Do not make Lister tall, clean-cut and buffish. He loses his cred.
4) Smoke less crack. It will help.
5) You suck. You suck a lot.
6) There is no number six.
I feel vaguely purged, at least, now. This post is dedicated to Julie, who was drawn to my tales of Red Dwarf USA like a sightseer to a really gruesome car crash.
posted by Sami at
11:07:00 AM
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